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Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Fish People

Now, you may think you know a few things about The Fish People. You may even think that, somewhere out there, you'll be able to get some information...

Click the title: it's a ready made Google search!

Ah, but you, my faithful and perspicacious DLA's, know in your hearts that something's not quite right, eh? Well, come closer... i'll tell you a little... too much could put you in danger!

In 1984 (an auspicious year for weirdness: seeing the illegal distribution of Smiley Mushroom, Superman, Windowpane, White Lightning, Pink Panther, both Black & White Microdot LSD), a little known organisation called Mentla: The Official Opposition to Mensa was having one of it's usual head-wrecking sessions in my flat, close to the sea...
Though some of the mentla regulars had travelled from the hated coast of the Eastern Sea, well known to be cold & Grim, nevertheless, the denizens of the warmer Western, fission fueled, deep made contact. The plan was simple: World Domination!
Our weapons? Only razor sharp wit, honed through weeks or months long escapades into drug diseased paranoia. They were the descendants of Atlantis and would no longer make use of the terrible technologies that had brought their erstwhile empire to wrack and ruin.
We were inducted into the mysteries, swearing, by our new piscine siblings' fishy Goddess, never to reveal the nature of the rituals and oaths we conducted or the extent of the order we had joined. The coven was formed: we set about reading works by famous former members: Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' & Machiaveli's 'The Prince' to name but two and soon realised that the scaly sages had armed us with all we needed. Lasting power is not gained through force of arms, but by manipulation of information, nor kept by armies either, but by the effective ridiculing of one's enemies. In this way, a victory can be assured by simply being assumed, by sapping the opposition's will.
How come I'm able to let you know so much now? Well, that's crucial: it's all part of the plan. The balance has tipped, the die is cast, The Rubicon has been crossed, the bridges burned and the biscuit well and truly dunked in the tea! What do you think really happened to the production budget of Waterworld?
The first stage was to announce our presence, but subtly: we couldn't risk outright conflict before the doctrine was firmly established. You may have heard us, on late night discussion radio programs, before James Whale was even invented. The modus operandi was simple but ingenious: we rang up, engaging in a long waffle that was sufficiently bizarre as to keep the Station's personnel mesmerised, no longer thinking about using the delay function to prevent the message going to air and when we judged the timing to be right declared:


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