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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Step 1, this belongs here too

i originally posted this on the UK Narcotics Anonymous web forum under the title 'i think i have actually got step 1' in the General discussions about Recovery section. For those of you who may not know, Step 1 is the first part of a 12 step recovery program:

"We admitted that we were powerless over our [insert obsessive, compulsive lunacy here], that our lives had become unmanageable."

So I was having a discussion the other day with a person who was trying to convince me that, had I had the same upbringing he had, I would see that killing your own daughter for the sake of your own integrity, because she had sex with a person from another religion, was perfectly understandable.

I begged to differ, maintaining that: a person's integrity is very important, but maintained through keeping their own affairs in order.

The discussion became a little heated because, apparently, I didn't understand. I was happy to inform my antagonist that I didn't, and what's more, I was glad of that.

Now, three months ago, I could not have left it at that. I would have shouted the odds all night if necessary and may well have been up for a fight. Today, I realise it's just not about me being right anymore. I'm powerless over his opinions and I genuinely feel sorry that he has them. Not because they are contrary to my own, but because they are very likely to cause him, and those he loves, grief.

However, I'm not powerless over mine and am able to state them respectfully, relatively calmly and best of all, with real good intentions.

That's what I call integrity and it feels great to actually have some at last!

Looking back on the evening in question, I also realise that I didn't have to go through my usual process of reacting to a feeling, catching myself at it, apologising for whatever acting out [bad behaviour resulting from trying to defend oneself from uncomfortable feelings] had already begun, getting flustered while I tried to apply my program [12 steps] to the situation, not really doing myself justice thereafter because of being flustered and being in feelings [resentment/self pity/anger/etc.] about that for days afterwards, whinging along to my sponsor and local fellowship [fellow recovering addicts].

I just behaved pretty appropriately.


Not that any of this will stop me from using this blog to, with the least respect possible, decry those opinions and/or persons whom i despise. The arse-wanking cunts...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello there
its mich from th forum!!!!
interesting read

1/10/05 11:08  

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